Chanteuse Welcome Friends to see our scene Beware: what’s seen can’t be unseen With horror, violence and passion obscene Hear the tale of Barbantius the Emperor And Es-VIS-thra the Queen Esvisthra the vain Queen of the Beseemian Elite Barbanitus the Emperor of Sluvatvia, a barbaric retreat Forced by fate to meet and entreat And despite their resistance must a treaty complete So Evisthra is galled, as her inconveniences are seen And Barbantius is as outraged, as an australopythisine Don’t say I didn’t warn you, if you’re shocked by the unclean **** ****** and ******’s Emperor and the Queen

Esvisthra I am the Queen of Beseemia; what a chore To meet Barbantius a foreign bore An oaf and lout is what people say Oh Roderick, what a terrible day The burden of waking To the reek of baking Being bathed Rubbed, fed then shaved But my maid slave died so missed her shift So my own fork I had to lift I’ve become so drained I despise even being entertained Now to meet a rube, makes me sick the thought Oh Roderick I am distraught Roderic Now my Queen, have no fear One who loves you deep is here he moves to her (molto appassionato) I… Esvisthra (striking him) Remove your filthy mitts To where it more befits Where one unroyal lowly sits Thank God you’re a eunuch And so unsexed Uncastrated men make me so upset Were your eunuch status in dispute I would you here now execute Prepare for Barbantius to wait, and make quick flight Then you get out of my royal sight

Roderic I knew it, she adores me The queen wants no men with lust to her breast sees So insures her slaves have no testees By luck no knife to me fell So am no eunuch for beneath my tunic Two unerupted bollocks swell And so my lusts are free to reign But decorum must my I my lust restrain Dooming me more than physical want Is my heart’s love for her does me taunt And am so in love with her queenly self I love her more than I love myself

Barbantius I am Barbantius, the Emperor of Sluvatvia Uuaauuaauuooaaah Roderic Greetings, Great Emper… Barbantius Silence imbecile. (directed off-stage) Have this vole fed to the beasts. (to Roderic) Where is the SLUT Queen of Bessemia? Roderic Her Majesty has withdrawn your greatness, if you await… Barbantius Impossible! I do not wait, but am waited on go fetch the brat and I’ll back and I’ll be done and gone Exit Barbantius Esvisthra (offstage) If fuckhead there yet? Roderic No my greatness He has lateness Esvisthra (off-stage) He must come and wait To view my gait And then be blest to kiss my toes Barbantius (off-stage) Is that witch there yet? Roderic …no, but/ Barbantius I’ll flog the vermin that makes me wait! Esvisthra I’ll taking a nap now, I’ll be late Roderic If either of you are first to come We’ll sign this treaty and then be done Esvisthra & Barbantius Nooooooooooo! Esvisthra Impossible Barbantius Ridiculous Esvisthra Simply can’t be done Esvisthra & Barbantius But might as well get this crap over with Esvisthra and Barbantius enter They are dumb thumderstruck Falling in love music Barbantius But soft, What is this blinding light That brights the night like lightning strike Esvisthra Hand be my moon and do eclipse This mass or I shall be transfixed Esvisthra moves her hand to shield her sight from Barbantius Barbantius moves to catch her eye Esvisthra again moves her hand to shield her eye from Barbantius Barbantius again moves to catch her eye Esvisthra, yields and moves her hand away so that she can see him They bask in each other sight in silly and embarrassed delight Roderic Um… the treaty? Esvisthra What? Barbantius Huh? Of course, My hand, tell me where my name it writes? Esvisthra Your hand may glide wherever it likes Roderic Let’s confirm the terms of our evaluator Esvisthra Let’s sign now, and do that later Barbantius As the sky is best from Top Mountain seen One must trust the promise of a Queen Esvisthra (swooning) Oh, How penetrative Roderic But… Esvisthra Present our parchment Royal fine That will our nations bodies close entwine Barbantius How…glandulous